Purgatory was abolished by the Vatican after they said they'd drastically overestimated the number of people who ought to be spending time there.  I thought for the umpteenth time what a farce the Catholic leadership plays.  I've been thinking recently that I might end up converting in a few decades' time mind you.

I am James Herriot but divorced from Helen and with a new wife trying to become pregnant.  In a field with a glacier and a lake.  I am a medieval king writing with black ink and possessive (about (I think) his children, but possibly his pens).  I'm on a boat, hugging an extremely tall beloved, I come up to her waist, telling her I love her.  I think she owns the boat, but it's run by a guy who used to love me.

Three sick puppies - eventually they get well, yay!  I meet an evil-Jack-Nicholson, he's teamed up with an antichrist, there's all sorts of maggot-horror-rape death.  On the underground.

Nukes and wasted opportunities

On a Planet Earth to which Planet Kazakhstan is sending nukes and we're all doomed.  I am in an auditorium, my brother is now friends with someone I loved from a distance but never had the guts to get to know.

Teenage shags and a big glass dildo

I dreamt about A, we were teenagers, at my huuuge house trying to find a place to go to bed; then it turns into her huge house, quite like my old school, she wouldn't let me see her room, we went through many other rooms they all had random people in them, in the end I lost patience and also somehow my trousers, and her parents came home and I had to divert suspicion.  Her friend lent me her least-favourite trousers and I started off to get back to my house before my absence was remarked upon, but I got waylaid by a couple of wifebeater-wearing lesbians who were touching me up & saying how fine I was and I was seduced and one of them tried to do me with a big glass strap-on but it wouldn't happen without lube.  So I left and eyed up some blokes & thought how to go about seducing them.  Etc etc etc....  Then I'm sure threats of violence/murder/getting lost came into it but they generally do don't they.

Roman Polanski and other horrors

I was in a play in which Roman Polanski, playing Evil itself, was cutting my head off - more sawing it off, really, with an axe.  Ow.  But then a braver girl got him to shoot himself.   Then I'm in Athens trapped in a gristly giant carcass of an emperor but I climb out but Christopher Eccleston is still in there suffering like a crazy saint.  I was sleeping lying on a remote control, you see.  Knobbly.

More of the usual

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Crocodile attack

I was lying in a shallow pond in a forest and Amy Winehouse came and joined me and we slept in it like it was a bed. Then she left and a crocodile appeared. It was a deep green colour rather like the eyes of a girl I know. It started attacking me, but it was my brother's so although I had a little handheld crossbow I was reluctant to shoot it for that reason and also because I don't like killing things. But it kept on, so I left the water and forest, but it kept attacking me and then started on my cat Skittles - we're now in my brother's room at home. I'm very distressed and take the cat to the bathroom and lock us in, and Rob promises to deal with his croc. (He used to have many, I think, but this is the last one.) But the croc is still after Skittles, I remember very strongly the texture of her fur as I pick her up and take her to my room, I tell Rob to deal with the crocodile or I'll have to shoot it to prevent it eating my cat. I hear him trying to restrain the croc, my bedroom door is being battered, and then it's quiet. The croc was out of control and Rob had to kill it for everyone's safety, which he did with by stabbing it with a knife through the skull. He takes it away in a truck and I feel sad. And then I woke up.

Tchaikovsky and abusive piano tutor

I'm being sexually abused by a piano tutor who is trying to teach me how to play a Tchaikovsky piano concerto from scratch. He taught someone else how to play the concerto but he says I've no skill for it. However, I leave and decide to report him even though I feel ashamed by the abuse.

The Fly III and rotting corpses

I was watching a film in the cinema, and the projectionist was Darth Vader, or possibly Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader, and everyone in the audience was Obi-Wan/Alec Guinnesses. Cut to Indiana Jones's Temple Of Doom, with the Devil somewhere about and all, and then I'm in 'The Fly 3' - I'm one of two Kenyan brothers and they and their wives are turning into giant Fly things. Then both brothers die I think and so I'm playing a corpse in this film - my brother and I are playing corpses hanging from this rigging, above a baying crowd, and every so often the rigging is lowered and the crowd abuse the bodies, and I'm turning green with putrefaction. I start getting tired and tell the director (who is Peter Jackson or similar), I say Look I have M.E., but he refuses to let me stop and I realise I was crazy to sign up for a whole movie shoot.

There's a long delay while backstage stuff is sorted and I'm worrying about how tired I'm getting; Angus Deayton (he's the director's friend) turns up on set, as does Sarah and I think Hannah. The cast rebels at being held rotting in rigging and goes to war with the crew: one side is armed with machetes and the other with guns, but I can't remember now which is which. And then I woke up.